


Five Lessons on Screwing a Troll

by Path



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-23
Updated: 2011-05-23
Packaged: 2017-10-19 17:20:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Path/pseuds/Path
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Okay," says Dave. "You want to start things up with a troll, here's what you've got to know."</p><p>Jade's entering her first troll relationship and comes to the resident expert/her moirail for help. Less a pairing fic and more a guide to bio- and sociological differences?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Lessons on Screwing a Troll

**Author's Note:**

> It's been awhile. I had been planning on writing Sleuthfic. WHOOPS
> 
> Also I totally ship Dave/Jade for reals, I don't know where this moirail thing came from.

"Okay," he says, sitting down on the bed. Jade smiles. It's not often he drops his silly ironic shield over himself. She prides herself that alone around her is pretty much the only time. These quadrants really do have something to them! Well, not that she and Dave weren't friends before they knew what moirallegiance was. She smiles even bigger.

Dave, as if to contrast, frowns. "You want to start things up with a troll, here's what you've got to know." He leans back, props one arm behind him, and holds up a finger on the other one. "First, they're sharp. You ever hugged a troll? Mind the claws. And the horns, and the teeth, and the claws on the feet, and they're just all-out bony fuckers to begin with."

Jade giggles. Dave pretends to glare. She claps a hand over her mouth.

"Anyhow, you get any closer than a foot and you gotta start wearing safety glasses, kiddo. I guess it doesn't feel so weird now, but clothes are actually kind of important that way. You strip us down, we're just squishy pink monkeys. You strip a troll down, they're still covered in spikes. So just... watch yourself, okay?"

She makes a mock-salute. "Yes, sir."

"Alright," he says, and holds up another finger. "Make sure you know what quadrant you're heading for. I mean, should be pretty obvious. Trying to kill you? Trying to make out with you? Trying for simultaneous sloppy make outs and murder? They flip between them a bunch. Plus with the claws and everything you might mistake one for the other, so just make sure you're clear with them on whether you think they're a loser or you think they're a loser and want to smack them for it, basically."

"It's red," supplies Jade.

"Hey, none of my business," Dave says coolly. "Just make sure he knows. Or she, I guess. That's another thing. They're all bi, right? Plus, your significant troll is probably looking for three other relationships, if he-or-she isn't in them already. So get used to them ranting about their other girlfriends and boyfriends. That one might take awhile."

"Dave, maybe you didn't notice," she says. "They kind of do that all the time at anyone who'll listen anyhow."

"Like anything gets by these swank-shaded eagle eyes," he replies. "Yeah. Most of them are really friggin' public about everything and everyone they do. So whatever, you'll be the talk of the town, no biggie. Alright, four, assuming that was point three I didn't announce. Dude or chick?"

"It's Ka-"

"-Don't care," Dave cuts in. "Dude or chick?"

"...dude." Jade rolls her eyes. It's not like it's hard to guess.

"Okay. 'Bone bulge': exactly what it says on the tin. Don't ask me how I know. Just don't expect anything remotely human-looking. Weirder than anything Alien came up with."

"Dave," says Jade, flushing.

"Hey, first time's a shock," he says. "And no dude wants a lady (or another dude) just staring at their junk for five minutes the first time they pull it out. The angle's kind of weird and they're all built like porn star props with nubs and shit. You'll like it, it just takes some, you know, adjustment."

"Dave," she repeats. She can feel the heat on her face.

"And holy shit, do not let him finish inside you. I don't know if human birth control is built for troll competition or whatever, but aside from that, it's just literally bucketloads of the stuff."

She must have been hanging out too much with Karkat after all. The word 'bucket' triggers an immediate discomfort, and it almost makes her laugh, it's become so natural.

"That's pretty much what they need it for. You're going to need to mop afterwards."

"Mop?"

"Okay, that's a lie," he grins. "But seriously, it's a lot. Don't wear anything white, or that you don't want tie-dyed by the end of the night. That shit ends up everywhere. Okay, lemme see, what else..."

"I've got more than enough to think of already now," she says.

"'Bucket'," says Dave, extending his thumb. "Uh, 'fuck like the drone's here', 'screw you into black', that kind of thing."

Jade can feel her whole body tense up. Karkat would just be mortified hearing this.

"No really," Dave says. "They go crazy for that shit. All trolls think they're porn stars. Just hold his horns and think of every crappy porn you've ever watched, and I know you have, Harley, and channel whatever stupid thing the chick said in it. They love that, and it's not even ironic."

Jade is still red, but peeks out from between her hands at him.

"Okay," he says, "it _is_ hilarious. Then make a list of what you told him and send it to me so I can post it on the fridge in the morning and laugh every time I get a drink."

She closes her eyes and laughs with him.

"Alright," he says. "I think that's it for the lesson. I'm all outta fingers."

"Thanks, Dave," she says, beaming. "Good friend, best moirail!"

"Haha, you better believe it, Harley," he says. He high-fives her with the hand he'd been counting on, then saunters out of the room, heading for the fridge.

Jade considers. It was a lot to take in, and spoken more frankly than she was used to. She's only thinking for a second before Dave leans his head back in the door.

"Bucket bucket bucket bucket bucket," he says calmly, and ducks as Jade hurls a pillow at his smug face.


End file.
